http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/Forum Threads http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_1/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_1/ Let's get this discussion going!  A great place to present ideas and get feedback on all aspects of BDSM and Fetish play! Fri, 8 Jun 2007 18:06:02 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_4/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_4/ As they say, it's a bit daunting to be the first one on the dance floor, but let's get this thread going.  I KNOW a lot of you have questions about BDSM, and this is the thread to use for intelligent, articulate answers for those experienced in the scene.  No question is "dumb", and the staff promise to answer all questions! Kiko  Fri, 8 Jun 2007 19:06:16 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_3/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_3/ In the BDSM community, we all face the dangers of law enforcement.  From the raiding of Bondage parties, to ugly court battles over child custody, these are issues that are of concern to all of us.  Use this forum to share your stories, legal remedies and resources for the benefit of all of us. Fri, 8 Jun 2007 19:06:20 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_5/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_5/ This, in my humble opinion, will be one of the most vibrant forums on our network!  Please tell us all, in great detail, your favorite bdsm scene experiences!  Also, when you do this, go ahead and start a blog on this network if you want more people to read about what wild and crazy thing you did last weekend!Kiko  Fri, 8 Jun 2007 19:06:23 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_6/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_6/ Beyond the thrills and chills of doing BDSM Play, our first and foremost concern is that it is safe, sane and consensual.  Yes, there is always an element of risk involved when doing real BDSM, but by abiding by basic tenants of practice, the worse that will happen is a few welts on your butt the next morning.Use this forum to state your ideas on how to maintain safety, while maximizing pleasure.  From safewords, to sub-drop, from electro-stimulation to fire-play.  Help everyone in our bdsm community by sharing your vision on this important topic.Kiko  Fri, 8 Jun 2007 20:06:13 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_7/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_7/ This isn't a confession as I am never wrong...This lawyer does nothing wrong, he is the perfect lawyer and citizen.  He is by nature of his stature, deferred too to make all decisions.  His wife, his aging parents, his employees and his clients all want him to show his dominance over them.What pleasure I take in showing my dominance over him... Speaking of pleasure, denial of pleasure is his favourite punishment.  He offers it to me, he suggests that its time for his punishment.  Still trying to control, to make the decisions. Instead of denial of pleasure I prefer forced orgasm for this sub.  He thinks I will be honoured by his offering of denying himself the pleasure of orgasm.  That does not please me.  I am much more interested in the mind that is going where it didn't plan to be.  Much more interested in the orgasm that was not planned.  Of course this orgasm is still earned.  Even though I can force the orgasm, it isn't going to happen in 5 minutes! No no, you have to picture this to get the feeling of what I like to induce in him.Picture a muddy embankment.  You want to get to the top because its safe, more comfortable and you will not slip back down the embankment only to have to start again.  You are close to the top, to your goal... and it gets slippery again and you go down a few feet.  You keep trying....up...up..up then a slip... up...up...up then a slip.  Its like Mistresses well heeled foot pushing you down.So it is with his forced orgasm.  His mind is now accepting the pleasure even though he wanted to deny it for Mistress.  His body is now starting to allow it to happen.  He is close yet has to endure these periods of what seem like a very long time where Mistress does not allow him to continue to pleasure himself.Do we both get what we want?  Sat, 9 Jun 2007 02:06:45 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_8/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_8/ Wow....dont you just have it all, brains, beauty and style. LOVE the look and feel. So excited for you all!  CONGRATULATIONS! Job well done~  Detour-Diva Sat, 9 Jun 2007 21:06:41 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_9/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_9/ Blindfolds: Blindfolds have the ability to create mystery, heighten sensation, and create a sense of anticipation. They also can create fear, panic, and hysteria. Some people can be claustrophobic and not know it until a blindfold is used. For some it is a trust issue (remember; Communicate). Some just need to see what is happening. Like everything else, blindfolds are a negotiation topic. If you and your partner are new to BDSM you should probably use something like a scarf over the eyes before buying that leather blindfold. When you are ready to buy, the process is pretty straight forward. Some things to consider are that most people find pressure on the eyes very uncomfortable, try to find a blindfold that is contoured to keep pressure off the eyes. (One "pervertable" alternative is welding goggles with the lenses painted black)Gags: If you are playing for the first time, even if you've been together for years prior to play, gags are not a good idea. Getting to know one another, in the scene sense, is very important. Verbal communication is the best way to get a point across. Let gags come into play later on. When they do, the same issues as blindfolds come into play. Gags should be well built and purchased with the user in mind. If they need to breathe through their mouth there are "breather" gags available. Gags are something the new person needs to work into, the larger or tighter they are, the more endurance they require. Speciality gags like cock gags shouldn't go to far into the mouth (and yes, they do come in lengths) as they could cause choking. Some, like blow up gags, require special care as they can cut off airways. Since you can't try before you buy you should accept the fact that if you buy several gags, you will probably buy at least one that just doesn't work for you. Toys that don't work have happened to every scene person so relax. Finally, gags should be used in half hour increments and then removed. Don't leave your sub alone when they are gagged (or any other time for that matter). Some people have trouble swallowing when gagged so be alert for choking.Hoods: A BDSM icon, hoods have the ability to arouse feelings of submission and eroticism very quickly in the wearer. They can also quickly arouse panic and claustrophobia. Even people who are comfortable with blindfolds and gags and relatively experienced can freak out with a hood, so extreme caution is advised. A the low end, hoods range in the $100 to $200 dollar range. At the custom fit end they can arouse panic in the person with the credit card. Hoods aren't really for beginners but questions are so frequently asked about them we included them.Mittens: Mittens are a form of cuff that encloses the entire hand. They can really increase the sense of helplessness in sub, even their fingers are in bondage. The same cautions that apply to regular cuffs apply to mittens.There are many other ways to modify or control the senses, most of which are beyond beginner. Controlling the senses of a sub also means cutting off communication. Be sure to establish a means for a safe word/signal. Don't take things to extreme levels until you have some experience and know your partner.Source: NLAO Sun, 10 Jun 2007 10:06:00 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_10/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_10/ The key difference between S&M and Abuse, is "consent".* Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another.* Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage: MALTREATS&M* Is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory    * S&M is a controlled environment    * S&M has safe words to stop the scene    * In a S&M scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive    * S&M can be an erotic sexual encounter    * In S&M both partners are enjoying themselves* in S&M the dominant respects limits    * In S&M there is mutual respect * In S&M the relationship is fulfilling    * In S&M both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships    * In S&M one can ask their partner to "play"    * In S&M relationship there is trust    * In S&M a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant * S&M is about building trust    * S&M builds self esteem    * S&M builds the spirit of a submissive  Abuse* Abuse is not negotiated* Abuse is an out of control environment* Abuse does not have safe words* An abuser does not give a damn about the victim* Abuse is always one sided* Abuse is never negotiated.* In abuse, no one is enjoying the results* The abuser is into non consensual violence* The victim has no respect towards the abuser * In abuse the victim is harmed* In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled* The abuser always feel they are superior* A person does not ask for abuse* In an abusive relationship there is no trust* The abuser does not care for consent* Abuse has no trust* Abuse destroys self esteem    * An abuser destroys the spirit of the victimDominants!!! Before you get in trouble know :* A sub may be in subspace and not have the presence to stop the scene. Watch for your submissives well being* "Recalling," also known as "Flashbacks." Example of this can be, a sub who was raped years ago, and during a humiliation scene, has a recall of that traumatic moment. Know thy sub. Don't let her flip out.* Always clean your toys. Do not use the same toys without using condoms each time. Wash the toys after eachuse. Do Not use same sex toys during multiple partner scenes, without changing condoms.* Always use common sense. You are playing with a human being, who has given you the gift of trust. Don't abuse that trust.* Reputation takes a lifetime to earn, yet a measly second to lose. For a moment of gratification, don't ruin someone's life. Don't be abused...Recognize the SignsPhysical abuse is all of the following:* Hit, choke, slap, threaten or hurt you outside the scene content. * The abuser will force sexual acts upon you, even if you are not in the mood* Will rarely respect your physical limitsMental/emotional abuse consist of:* Isolating you from your friends, family or others* Putting you constantly into a confused state* Constantly being criticized* Making you financially depended upon them* They are constantly draining you of your finances* You constantly have to watch what you say around them* Making you feel worthless* Blames you for all misfortunes* Extreme jealousy on their part* You being constantly afraid to speak to your partner* Never listening to your concerns * Constantly asking you for financial support* You living constantly in the state of "Walking on Egg shells"In case of Abuse:* Contact National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 * Leave the relationship* Contact your family or friends* Contact your religious leaders* Call your local police department* Get Local Counseling.Source: Domsubfriends.com  Sun, 10 Jun 2007 13:06:50 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_11/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_11/ THE MEDICAL REALITIES OF BREATH CONTROL PLAY by Jay Wiseman Author of "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction" For some time now, I have felt that the practices of suffocation and/or strangulation done in an erotic context (generically known as breath control play; more properly known as asphyxiophilia) were in fact far more dangerous than they are generally perceived to be. As a person with years of medical education and experience, I know of no way whatsoever that either suffocation or strangulation can be done in a way that does not intrinsically put the recipient at risk of cardiac arrest. (There are also numerous additional risks; more on them later.) Furthermore, and my biggest concern, I know of no reliable way to determine when such a cardiac arrest has become imminent. Often the first detectable sign that an arrest is approaching is the arrest itself. Furthermore, if the recipient does arrest, the probability of resuscitating them, even with optimal CPR, is distinctly small. Thus the recipient is dead and their partner, if any, is in a very perilous legal situation. (The authorities could consider such deaths first-degree murders until proven otherwise, with the burden of such proof being on the defendant). There are also the real and major concerns of the surviving partner's own life-long remorse to having caused such a death, and the trauma to the friends and family members of both parties. Some breath control fans say that what they do is acceptably safe because they do not take what they do up to the point of unconsciousness. I find this statement worrisome for two reasons: (1) You can't really know when a person is about to go unconscious until they actually do so, thus it's extremely difficult to know where the actual point of unconsciousness is until you actually reach it. (2) More importantly, unconsciousness is a symptom, not a condition in and of itself. It has numerous underlying causes ranging from simple fainting to cardiac arrest, and which of these will cause the unconsciousness cannot be known in advance. I have discussed my concerns regarding breath control with well over a dozen SM-positive physicians, and with numerous other SM-positive health professionals, and all share my concerns. We have discussed how breath control might be done in a way that is not life-threatening, and come up blank. We have discussed how the risk might be significantly reduced, and come up blank. We have discussed how it might be determined that an arrest is imminent, and come up blank. Indeed, so far not one (repeat, not one) single physician, nurse, paramedic, chiropractor, physiologist, or other person with substantial training in how a human body works has been willing to step forth and teach a form of breath control play that they are willing to assert is acceptably safe -- i.e., does not put the recipient at imminent, unpredictable risk of dying. I believe this fact makes a major statement. Other "edge play" topics such as suspension bondage, electricity play, cutting, piercing, branding, enemas, water sports, and scat play can and have been taught with reasonable safety, but not breath control play. Indeed, it seems that the more somebody knows about how a human body works, the more likely they are to caution people about how dangerous breath control is, and about how little can be done to reduce the degree of risk. In many ways, oxygen is to the human body, and particularly to the heart and brain, what oil is to a car's engine. Indeed, there's a medical adage that goes "hypoxia (becoming dangerously low on oxygen) not only stops the motor, but also wrecks the engine." Therefore, asking how one can play safely with breath control is very similar to asking how one can drive a car safely while draining it of oil. Some people tell the "mechanics" something like, "Well, I'm going to drain my car of oil anyway, and I'm not going to keep track of how low the oil level is getting while I'm driving my car, so tell me how to do this with as much safety as possible." (They may even add someting like "Hey, I always shut the engine off before it catches fire.") They then get frustrated when the mechanics scratch their heads and say that they don't know. They may even label such mechanics as "anti-education." A bit about my background may help explain my concerns. I was an ambulance crewman for over eight years. I attended medical school for three years, and passed my four-year boards, (then ran out of money). I am a former member of the American Academy of Family Physicians and a former American Heart Association instructor in Advanced Cardiac Life Support. I have an extensive martial arts background that includes a first-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. My martial arts training included several months of judo that involved both my choking and being choked. I have been an instructor in first aid, CPR, and various advanced emergency care techniques for over sixteen years. My students have included physicians, nurses, paramedics, police officers, fire fighters, wilderness emergency personnel, martial artists, and large numbers of ordinary citizens. I currently offer both basic and advanced first aid and CPR training to the SM community. During my ambulance days, I responded to at least one call involving the death of a young teenage boy who died from autoerotic strangulation, and to several other calls where this was suspected but could not be confirmed. (Family members often "sanitize" such scenes before calling 911.) Additionally, I personally know two members of my local SM community who went to prison after their partners died during breath control play. The primary danger of suffocation play is that it is not a condition that gets worse over time (regarding the heart, anyway, it does get worse over time regarding the brain). Rather, what happens is that the more the play is prolonged, the greater the odds that a cardiac arrest will occur. Sometimes even one minute of suffocation can cause this; sometimes even less. Quick pathophysiology lesson # 1: When the heart gets low on oxygen, it starts to fire off "extra" pacemaker sites. These usually appear in the ventricles and are thus called premature ventricular contractions -- PVC's for short. If a PVC happens to fire off during the electrical repolarization phase of cardiac contraction (the dreaded "PVC on T" phenomenon, also sometimes called "R on T") it can kick the heart over into ventricular fibrillation -- a form of cardiac arrest. The lower the heart gets on oxygen, the more PVC's it generates, and the more vulnerable to their effect it becomes, thus hypoxia increases both the probability of a PVC-on-T occurring and of its causing a cardiac arrest. When this will happen to a particular person in a particular session is simply not predictable. This is exactly where most of the medical people I have discussed this topic with "hit the wall." Virtually all medical folks know that PVC's are both life-threating and hard to detect unless the patient is hooked to a cardiac monitor. When medical folks discuss breath control play, the question quickly becomes: How can know when they start throwing PVC's? The answer is: You basically can't. Quick pathophysiology lesson # 2: When breathing is restricted, the body cannot eliminate carbon dioxide as it should, and the amount of carbon dioxide in the blood increases. Carbon dioxide (CO2) and water (H2O) exist in equilibrium with what's called carbonic acid (H2CO3) in a reaction catalyzed by an enzyme called carbonic anhydrase. (Sorry, but I can't do subscripts in this program.) Thus: CO2 + H20 <carbonic anhydrase> H2CO3 A molecule of carbonic acid dissociates on its own into a molecule of what's called bicarbonate (HCO3-) and an (acidic) hydrogen ion. (H+) Thus: H2CO3 <> HCO3- and H+ Thus the overall pattern is: H2O + CO2 <> H2CO3 <> HCO3- + H+ Therefore, if breathing is restricted, CO2 builds up and the reaction shifts to the right in an attempt to balance things out, ultimately making the blood more acidic and thus decreasing its pH. This is called respiratory acidosis. (If the patient hyperventilates, they "blow off CO2" and the reaction shifts to the left, thus increasing the pH. This is called respiratory alkalosis, and has its own dangers.) Quick pathophysiology lesson # 3: Again, if breathing is restricted, not only does carbon dioxide have a hard time getting out, but oxygen also has a hard time getting in. A molecule of glucose (C6H12O6) breaks down within the cell by a process called glycolysis into two molecules of pyruvate, thus creating a small amount of ATP for the body to use as energy. Under normal circumstances, pyruvate quickly combines with oxygen to produce a much larger amount of ATP. However, if there's not enough oxygen to properly metabolize the pyruvate, it is converted to lactic acid and produces one form of what's called a metabolic acidosis. As you can see, either a build-up in the blood of carbon dioxide or a decrease in the blood of oxygen will cause the pH of the blood to fall. If both occur at the same time, as they do in cases of suffocation, the pH of the blood will plummet to life-threatening levels within a very few minutes. The pH of normal human blood is in the 7.35 to 7.45 range (slightly alkaline). A pH falling to 6.9 (or raising to 7.8) is "incompatible with life." Past experience, either with others or with that same person, is not particularly useful. Carefully watching their level of consciousness, skin color, and pulse rate is of only limited value. Even hooking the bottom up to both a pulse oximeter and a cardiac monitor (assuming you had either piece of equipment, and they're not cheap) would be of only limited additional value. While an experienced clinician can sometimes detect PVC's by feeling the patient's pulse, in reality the only reliable way to detect them is to hook the patient up to a cardiac monitor. The problem is that each PVC is potentially lethal, particularly if the heart is low on oxygen. Even if you "ease up" on the bottom immediately, there's no telling when the PVC's will stop. They could stop almost at once, or they could continue for hours. In addition to the primary danger of cardiac arrest, there is good evidence to document that there is a very real risk of cumulative brain damage if the practice is repeated often enough. In particular, laboratory studies of repeated brief interruption of blood flow to the brains of animals and studies of people with what's called "sleep apnea syndrome" (in which they stop breathing for up to two minutes while sleeping) document that cumulative brain damage does occur in such cases. There are many documented additional dangers. These include, but are not limited to: rupture of the windpipe, fracture of the larynx, damage to the blood vessels in the neck, dislodging a fatty plaque in a neck artery which then travels to the brain and causes a stroke, damage to the cervical spine, seizures, airway obstruction by the tongue, and aspiration of vomitus. Additionally, there are documented cases in which the recipient appeared to fully recover but was found dead several hours later. The American Psychiatric Association estimates a death rate of one person per year per million of population -- thus about 250 deaths last year in the U.S. Law enforcement estimates go as much as four times higher. Most such deaths occur during solo play, however there are many documented cases of deaths that occurred during play with a partner. It should be noted that the presence of a partner does nothing to limit the primary danger, and does little or nothing to limit most of the secondary dangers. Some people teach that choking can be safely done if pressure on the windpipe is avoided. Their belief is that pressing on the arteries leading to the brain while avoiding pressure on the windpipe can safely cause unconsciousness. The reality, unfortunately, is that pressing on the carotid arteries, exactly as they recommend, presses on baroreceptors known as the carotid sinus bodies. These bodies then cause vasodilation in the brain, thus there is not enough blood to perfuse the brain and the recipient loses consciousness. However, that's not the whole story. Unfortunately, a message is also sent to the main pacemaker of the heart, via the vagus nerve, to decrease the rate and force of the heartbeat. Most of the time, under strong vagal influence, the rate and force of the heartbeat decreases by one third. However, every now and then, the rate and force decreases to zero and the bottom "flatlines" into asystole -- another, and more difficult to treat, form of cardiac arrest. There is no way to tell whether or not this will happen in any particular instance, or how quickly. There are many documented cases of as little as five seconds of choking causing a vagal-outlfow-induced cardiac arrest. For the reason cited above, many police departments have now either entirely banned the use of choke holds or have reclassified them as a form of deadly force. Indeed, a local CHP officer recently had a $250,000 judgment brought against him after a nonviolent suspect died while being choked by him. Finally, as a CPR instructor myself, I want to caution that knowing CPR does little to make the risk of death from breath control play significantly smaller. While CPR can and should be done, understand that the probability of success is likely to be less than 10%. I'm not going to state that breath control is something that nobody should ever do under any circumstances. I have no problem with informed, freely consenting people taking any degree of risk they wish. I am going to state that there is a great deal of ignorance regarding what actually happens to a body when it's suffocated or strangled, and that the actual degree of risk associated with these practices is far greater than most people believe. I have noticed that, when people are educated regarding the severity and unpredictability of the risks, fewer and fewer choose to play in this area, and those who do continue tend to play less often. I also notice that, because of its severe and unpredictable risks, more and more SM party-givers are banning any form of breath control play at their events. If you'd like to look into this matter further, here are some references to get you started: "Emergency Care in the Streets" by Caroline (I'd recommend starting here.) "Medical Physiology" by Guyton "The Pathologic Basis of Disease" by Robbins "Textbook of Advanced Cardiac Life Support" by American Heart Association "The Physiology Coloring Book" by Kapit, Macey, and Meisami "Forensic Pathology" by DeMaio and Demaio "Autoerotic Fatalities" by Hazelwood "Melloni's Illustrated Medical Dictionary" by Dox, Melloni, and Eisner People with questions or comments can contact me at jaybob@crl.com or write to me at P.O. Box 1261, Berkeley, CA 94701. Regards, Jay Wiseman Tue, 12 Jun 2007 18:06:30 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_12/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_12/ Protecting your Identity in the BDSM SceneBy Sensuous SadieSensuousSadie@aol.com www.sensuoussadie.com My good friend Carson told me that he moved to New Hampshire because he had been outed at his previous job which he subsequently lost. Although he could have sued, he felt that the cost and the stress outweighed any possibility of future happiness there. In a similar situation, my friend Tom told me that he moved to Vermont because a civil union would provide him with additional protection. He and his partner had lived in a conservative area of Minnesota, and custody of his children would be at risk had it become common knowledge that he was involved in the BDSM scene. Because of their life choices, people like Carson and Tom are on the high end of needing to protect their privacy.You could call me a "moderate" in the continuum of outness because I keep it on a need to know basis. I have more freedom to be out because I have no children and I work in a relatively liberal company which prohibits discrimination based on sexual orientation. My doctor knows about my orientation of course, as do my family and close friends. While it is not a secret, I do think of it as private in that my sexuality is not germane to what most people need to know about me. Yet I don’t think of myself as being "in the closet" because I’d discuss BDSM with anyone who asked and I am proud of my writing. My friend Stacey says that, "I've always kept this part of my life private, other than with people who I know are also involved. I'm a businesswoman, a quilter, a softball player, a town official, a volunteer at a residential care facility, make great jambalaya, read voraciously, and am learning to ballroom dance. None of the people in these other areas of my life need to know how I fall to my knees in surrender when a partner grabs my hair."On the far end of outness are activists, writers, and group leaders like Susan Wright of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, John Warren, author of The Loving Dominant, and Laura Goodwin, leader of United Leatherfolk of Connecticut. (ULC). These people are out with everyone all the time due at least in part to their celebrity. Of course many regular folk are also out depending on their circumstances and their tolerance for risk.In his book Ties that Bind, author Guy Baldwin says that, "Secret lives make for secret suffering, and the time for secrets about who we are and what we enjoy is slowly ending." Today we live in a culture where there is increasing freedom to be who we are without fear. Generally speaking I believe that coming out is a good thing, in part because it makes a statement that we are not ashamed of our orientation. Keeping secrets can also create an atmosphere of fear that can poison our joy in BDSM. Coming out can most certainly put you in a vulnerable position financially and legally, but then you may be vulnerable in other ways by staying in the closet, so you will need to balance the risks carefully. Stacey adds that, "The thing to remember that if you come out about yourself to everyone (whether your D/s self is about your sexuality, your manner of relating to a single person, or your way of relating to the world), you may then be identified with that only and lose some opportunities to explore the other facets of yourself. You'll be 'the submissive nurse' rather than 'the nurse who can work a double shift and still hold the hand of someone who is dying.' Me? I just don't want that label, or any label, frankly."This article will offer some suggestions to protect your identity and your privacy if you are involved in any unconventional sexual orientation. I have personally made a sustained effort over the last few years to protect my privacy. This is not because I have fears about my job, but rather because I have at times received e-mails or calls that were inappropriate, and even sometimes a bit on the creepy side. I realize that as a writer I am more of a target than your typical scene player, but we all have something to protect, even if it’s just our peace of mind.The place to start is to think about how much you want to be known, and how much you feel that BDSM is integral to who you are as a person. If it’s just a hobby, it might not be relevant to any conversation other than those with your partner. But if you are more like me where much of your time and energy goes into the exploration of BDSM, you might want to be able to share this more freely with your friends and family. It’s never fun to have to hide something important to your sense of self. Once you have decided where you want to be on that out of the closet continuum, you can pick and choose the strategies that best fit your situation.Tips & Strategies to Protect your PrivacyOn the InternetDon’t use an e-mail address from work which includes your name like Jsmith@GM.com, and make sure that you’ve set your options to hide your real name so it doesn’t come up in (parentheses) after your e-mail address. To test this, send yourself an e-mail and see how it looks. Don’t ever put your real name and contact information in the signature of your e-mail.Use an internet provider who will absolutely hide your identity unless there are legal proceedings. I use AOL because there is no possibility that my e-mail address, SensuousSadie@aol.com, can be connected with my real life identity.Don’t post anything anywhere on the internet that includes personal information such as your real name, address, social security number and so on. Also don’t refer to places or other details that can lead people to you such as my saying I live in the "Green Mountains." You may not know where that refers to, but it’s easy to look up.To be completely safe, don’t send any full face photos to anyone over the internet. Internet pictures can be sent around the world in a matter of seconds, not to mention airbrushed easily t make you look quite different. If you don't believe me, check out this website: http://www.smlinks.com/sotw/why/  . I also recommend against having nude or compromising photos taken. One friend told me that when she was getting divorced her ex husband not only posted her nude photographs on his website, but he used them in court to discredit her. This was not only humiliating, but extremely stressful for her.Coming Out to FriendsBefore you come out to someone, send up trial balloons so you can find out how they feel about alternative lifestyles. For example, I might tell someone a sexually oriented joke. If they are offended, that’s a clear indication that they aren’t comfortable with sexual issues.When you do come out to someone, be sure to emphasize the confidentiality issues. I once failed to do this to rather embarrassing results. My friend simply didn’t realize what a delicate and private issue this was.Give your phone number and address only to very close friends. Either can be used in a reverse directory to find out your name and where you live.Attending EventsCreate a scene name and stick to it every single time you talk or interact with anyone in the scene. I know a number of people who switched names mid-stream and now everyone knows them as both names, which really acts as no pseudonym at all! "Sensuous Sadie" is of course not my real name, but only about ten people know my real life name. For those scene friends who cross over into my vanilla life, I encourage them to call me Sadie all the time. I just tell my vanilla friends that Sadie is my nickname. The key thing is that my scene friends don’t accidentally call me by my real name when at a scene event.When attending a scene event, do not drive there in your own car which can easily be traced to you. Either go with a friend or park in a congested enough area that it would be difficult to pick out your car. Do not leave identifying information such as mail out on the seats.Don’t leave your wallet or purse around where people can look inside at your identification.Other SuggestionsIf you rent rooms in your home, take steps to hide anything that is incriminating and make sure you get a background check on the person. One woman I know rented a room to a man who turned out to be a pedophile. He subsequently broke into her computer and contacted her friends in the scene. It’s difficult to hide something like BDSM, so don’t fool yourself that the renter "just hasn’t noticed."Recognize and accept that you will be outed occasionally. I have been outed several times, and in fact I even accidentally outed someone else at a munch by mentioning where they worked. I was outed once on a listserv where a friend accidentally typed in my real, and very recognizable, name. Another time someone was able to locate my phone number despite the very few people who have it. These things happen, and the best thing you can do to prevent a crisis is to be as open as possible in as many situations as possible.How to Test the Success of your Privacy EffortsSearch for both your real name and your scene name on Google and other search engines. If they appear anywhere together or with any identifying information, take steps to correct it.Ask a techhead friend to do a search and see what they can find out about you. I had this done and I’m very pleased to say that he was not able to figure out who I am.If your ability to tolerate risk is low, pay $50 or so to have a professional service investigate you. This is worthwhile information to have.If you own or manage websites, make sure that your registration information is not available to the public through the company that reserves your website names. I made my first mistake in this area when I received e-mails using my real name delivered to my scene name address.If you develop websites, check your HTML code for anything that includes the name of your computer, which is often your real name. Tue, 12 Jun 2007 22:06:30 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_13/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_13/ SM ORIGIN of RACK: RACK vs. SSCby Gary Switch During a discussion of SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) on the TES-Friends list, I proposed RACK (Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink) as an alternative. Here's my motivation: Nothing's perfectly safe. Crossing the street isn't perfectly safe. Remember that it's technically called "safer sex," not "safe sex."If we want to limit BDSM to what's safe, we can't do anything more extreme than flogging somebody with a wet noodle. Mountain climbers don't call their sport safe, for the simple reason that it isn't; risk is an essential part of the thrill. They handle it by identifying and minimizing the risk through study, training, technique, and practice.I believe that this approach will work better for us leatherfolk than claiming that what we do is safe. We want to foster the notion that we develop expertise, that to do what we do properly takes skill developed through a similar process of education, training, and practice.Negotiation cannot be valid without foreknowledge of the possible risks involved in the activity being negotiated. "Risk-aware" means that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they intend to handle them. Hence "risk-aware" instead of "safe." The "sane" part of SSC is very subjective. Who's making the call? Person A might think fisting is insane; persons B and C might enjoy it very much. "Sane" always reminds me of Pat Paulsen's campaign slogan from the old Smothers Brothers show: "Vote for Paulsen; he's not insane!" If you go around constantly reassuring folks that you're not crazy, they'll start to wonder.  I've heard "sane" interpreted as: "able to distinguish fantasy from reality" and "not intoxicated," which are both perfectly valid, though the latter is similar to the above -- you don't go around constantly reassuring folks that you're not drunk, either."Consensual" is the crux, implying negotiation which implies being able to distinguish fantasy from reality, as well as dealing responsibly with risk factors. If you don't know the risk factors, if you don't know what will happen in reality, then you don't know what you're consenting to. Meaningful negotiation must always take place on the common ground of consensus reality.The "kink" part went in to make a snappy acronym and because SSC doesn't tell you what you should be SSC about. Safe, Sane, and Consensual trout fishing?Alluding to the rack, an archetypal torture instrument,has been criticized, but to me it signifies our transformation of atrocity into ecstasy, and admits that though we may enjoy some dark fantasies,we realize them harmlessly. RACK is admittedly more confrontational than SSC. It's defiant, the same way the GLBT community uses "queer." RACK allows us the freedom to have non-PC fantasies. Don't a lot of us enjoy non-consensual fantasies, either from the top side or the bottom side? We enjoy them in our literature; we may very well enjoy them while we play.But we act them out responsibly and consensually.  ****** Permission is granted to reproduce and distribute this essay, as long as it's reproduced in its entirety and is attributed to: Gary Switch, Contributing Editor, Prometheus magazine, GarySwitch@aol.com. Sun, 17 Jun 2007 06:06:45 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_14/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_14/ You think that people should be treated with respect and courtesy' you find violence, particularly violence against women, reprehensible; you would never, under any circumstances, raise your hand in anger against someone you love. And now your partner is asking you to tie her up, or call her names, or spank her, or even "rape" her. All this goes against everything you believe. What do you do?For starters, it's not what you think.The first thing to do is to understand, deep down inside, that it's possible to do these things and still be a good person. While some of these things may superficially resemble abuse, there's an important difference; unlike an abuser, you are doing these things because you both enjoy them, and you're doing them in a way that is safe, consensual, and respectful of her limits and desires.One way to think about it is that you're playing a role. A person who plays a villain on TV is not actually a villain; and if you and your partner play out roles for your mutual enjoyment, it doesn't mean you're being abusive. You and your partner can play out roles in which you are harsh and demanding and she is your sex slave, and this does not mean that you actually believe women should be subordinate to men.But I was always taught to treat women with respect!There is nothing wrong or disrespectful about treating people the way they want to be treated.Even if the way they want to be treated is not what you're accustomed to.Not everyone has the same desires, wants, or needs. Treating your partner with respect means treating your partner the way she wants to be treated--even if that means she wants you to treat her like a dirty little minx sometimes. Seriously--if your partner is approaching you with the idea of exploring BDSM, then most likely, there is some part of her which responds very strongly to filling that role.There is not one "right" way to behave that applies to all people all the time. If something adds pleasure to your life and to your partner's life, then it's not a bad thing, even if it is unconventional. And there's certainly no crime in taking pleasure from bringing your partner pleasure!There is no rule which says that nice guys can't be adventurous. No law says that nice guys never ??? their girlfriends in the ass or tell their girlfriends to strip and masturbate in front of them. It's about learning what you like, learning what she likes, and creating a scene that brings you both pleasure; being a nice guy means being willing to explore avenues that bring joy to your partner's life!What kind of guy enjoys doing these things?The kind of guy who enjoys exploring with his partner and pleasing his partner, of course!More than that, though; by exploring your fantasies and your partner's fantasies, you create a deep intimacy that's hard to beat. This kind of exploration, and sharing of fantasies and sexual feelings, helps form a bond of intimacy and trust that's at once more romantic and more passionate than you may believe.And the pleasure to be gained simply from seeing your partner eager to service you and submit to your desires shouldn't be discounted, either...To do this, though, you may need to unlearn some things about what "nice guys" do and feel. "Nice guy syndrome" can sometimes prevent you from being able to really focus on your partner, and see what she wants; you may see social proconceptions of who "women are" or what "women want" instead. Women are individuals; focus on what the woman you're with wants rather than what "women want."In extreme cases, "nice guy syndrome" can make you feel uncomfortable seeing your partner as a sexual being at all. But human beings are sexual beings, and it's hard to imagine anyone who doesn't want to be seen as sexually attractive by her mate; seeing your partner in a sexual light is not only healthy, it's an important part of any sexual relationship!I don't even know where to begin with this stuff...As with most things, you begin simply. Sex in general and BDSM in particular are learned skills; like all learned skills, you learn by doing. Start slow, learn what you and your partner like and don't like, and elaborate on the things you learn as you go along.The best way to get started exploring BDSM is by talking to your partner. Discuss your fantasies and her fantasies; don't worry about whether or not those fantasies are things you would really explore or not, or even if they're things that are plausible or feasible. You're just talking about the things that turn you on, no matter how outlandish or how kinky they may be. Don't be timid, embarrassed, or ashamed, even of fantasies that seem extreme or frightening; these are fantasies, after all, not reality. Even extreme fantasies that you would never consider doing in real life can provide ideas or suggestions about places to explore, or things that turn you on!Let's say, for example, that your partner has fantasies about being tied up and molested. You can start to explore by trying some light bondage or restraint; no need to go all-out, just start by holding her down or tying her arms with ordinary rope. If things go well, you may discover that you want to go farther next time, or you may come up with new ideas to try. And who knows? You may just find that it really turns you on...At this point, it's probably worthwhile to discuss a few general guidelines as you start exploring this stuff. Some things to remember:- Don't feel that you have to try everything all at once. Don't do too much, too fast. You have plenty of time! You're exploring what turns you on, what turns your partner on, and what you can create together; it's far better to end a scene thinking you could have gone farther than ending a scene thinking you've gone too far!- Talk to your partner after you're done, espeically when you've tried something new. Spend some time talking about how you felt, how she felt, what turned you on, and what things you might want to explore later. Remember, whenever you try anything new, you will sometimes find things that you or your partner respond to in ways you didn't expect. You may even find that something you thought you'd like, or something she thought she'd like, triggers a negative reaction that you didn't anticipate. There's nothing wrong with that; you're exploring. By definition, when you explore, you don't always know what you'll find! If you discover something that you don't like, or that didn't go the way you expected, it's okay; you've learned from it, and now you have greater knowledge about how to please yourself and your partner.- There's nothing wrong with taking pleasure from dominating your partner. If you find that you respond to taking charge in the bedroom, and your partner responds to being dominated, great! You're both happy; enjoy yourselves! Besides, it's much more fun to submit to a person who enjoys being dominant. It works both ways; you can take pleasure from pleasing your partner, and she can take pleasure from pleasing you.- The greatest asset you have is a sense of self-confidence. It doesn't matter if you don't think you know what you're doing, or if things don't always go the way you wanted them to; it doesn't matter if you're uncertain about something you're trying. All this is normal. What does matter is that you project an air of confidence and control; just this alone can get you through a number of problems. You forget something? Something not working right? Smile and keep going anyway; chances are, she'll never even notice. Remember, you're playing a role; project confidence even if you don't feel it, and you'll do okay.- Keep your eyes open and your common sense sharp. The best single safety tool you have is your common sense. Watch for problems; don't leave someone tied up unattended, don't try devices or gadgets on your partner if you don't have a sense of how they feel yourself.But she wants me to spank her! I don't want to hurt her...Ah, that's a bit tricky. Things are not always what they seem; there's a big difference between erotic pain and ordinary, garden-variety pain. The experience of pain in an erotic context, for someone who's wired that way, is nothing like what you may imagine; it's an incredible rush, that adds a powerful spice to sexual pleasure. Think of it like spice in chili; you might not like taking a bite out of a hot pepper, but in the right amount, it makes the chili a whole lot better...Even things that look extreme, such as flogging or whipping, can be deceptive. These things don't feel like you imagine they do, and in the right environment with the right warmup, they're wonderful. And once your partner's endorphins, the natural painkilling chemicals produced in the brain, get going, it's the most intense, delightful high you can ever believe.Of course, pain play is something you want to explore slowly. You don't jump right into it; ittakes time and practice to learn where your partner's limits are, and how your partner responds to things like spanking. But don't be so afraid of anything that looks painful--your partner is less fragile than you might think, and in the right setting, pain is both a powerful aphrodesiac and a tremendously pleasureable high. Pay attention, go slow, and you're not going to hurt her. As with many aspects of BDSM, pain is not always what it seems...What if she wants me to call her names and humiliate her? That's not respectful!Humiliation play, like pain play, is another of those things that's not what it looks like from the outside. In a sense, it's the emotional equivalent of pain play; and like pain play, it's all about context. In the right setting, under the right circumstance, with the right person, it can for some people be an intense, white-hot turn-on; and as with much of BDSM play, it's helpful to think about it as playing a role.Remember, this is something you do because it's something your partner wants. You can, during a BDSM scene, call your partner a dirty, filthy whore, and it doesn't mean that's really how you see her; you're in a role, and you're doing it because it's a turn-on. Outside of that role, you may think your lover is the most exquisite woman ever to walk the face of the earth; the things you do during a scene are not the whole of how you see her in your ordinary, day-to-day life!And there's nothing wrong with enjoying erotic humiliation, if your partner enjoys it. It doesn't make you a bad person; it doesn't mean you want to degrade women; it means you take pleasure in creating an environment that's arousing and exciting.This kind of play may seem silly, or awkward, or both, when you first start experimenting with it. You may find it's difficult to say and do things which humiliate your partner, and it might feel forced or contrived. That's a normal part of playing any unfamiliar role. This sort of play, like any skill, becomes easier and more natural with practice.Don't worry about it becoming something that changes the way you think about women in the real world; like pain play, humiliation play is contextual both for your partner and for you. It's not going to suddenly make you into an insensitive clod. The difference in mindset between exploring humiliation play with a lover and actually believing that women deserve to be degraded is as great as the difference between playing a hit man in a movie and actually being a hit man.But I still don't know what to do!Here are some ideas to start with:- If you want to explore bondage, the easiest way to do this is with plain old cotton or nylon rope. Nylon stockings and silk scarves can cause problems, because they tend to bunch and be difficult to untie. You can tie your partner to the bed, to a chair, or simply bind her hands behind her back. Once you have her bound, you can go in a number of different directions. For example, you can kneel over her and tell her to service you with her mouth, or you can penetrate her and have sex with her. Or, you might try sensation play, running your hands or ice cubes or soft cloth or things like that over her body. Blindfolding her can make these sensations more intense. You can add a little bit of light pain play to the mix by pinching, pulling, or twisting her nipples, running your fingernails over her skin, and thinngs like that. Biting her, teasing her with tongue or fingers, and that sort of thing can be a lot of fun too.- For introductory pain play, spanking, pinching, and biting can be good ways to begin. You might bend her over your lap, or--for a bit more fun--tie her down bent over the bed. You can combine this with roleplaying if you like; perhaps she's a naughty student and you're the disciplining teacher, for example. You can spank her with your hands, a paddle, or even a wooden spoon. Start with light, rapid strokes, and gradually increase the force until you find her limit. Remember, if you start light and build up gradually, you can get those endorphins going, which is exciting and intoxicating!- Humiliation play can be verbal, or can involve things you do to her, or things you order her to do, or some combination of all three. For example, you can order her to kneel in front of you and give you oral sex while you tell her she's a filthy slut, or you can order her to call herself a slut or beg for sex while you tease her with your fingers and tongue, or you can kneel over her as she lies on her back and tell her to stroke you in her hands until you ejaculate over her body.- Give her instructions to do things that excite or arouse you. For example, if you enjoy watching her masturbate (and who doesn't?), tell her to touch herself while you watch. You can be as detailed as you want, instructing her how and where to touch herself, and how hard, and how fast, and in what way; you may even enjoy instructing her to moan and sigh as she does. Or, take a different approach. Take her out to dinner, but give her detailed instructions about what she is to wear. Have her wear something that makes her easily accessible--a skirt with no panties, for example. Throughout dinner, keep her aroused by dropping hints about how you can't wait to get her home, and how she's so sexy that you're planning to have your way with her; then, when you get home, bend her over, hoist up her skirt, and take her!- Surprise her. Mix things up. If you're exploring dominance and submission, try calling her at work one day and telling her to remove her panties, or go into the restroom and touch herself. Or, send her a text message on her phone telling her that you have plans for her and you're going to tie her up when she gets home. If she's at home when you're at work, send her an email with a list of things to do to arouse herself so that she's in the proper state of mind when you get home. If you've been talking about trying something new, create a scene where you're doing something you've done before, then add it in! Or, buy a new toy without telling her, and introduce it into your scene.- If you run out of ideas, try doing things you've done before, but in a new way or with a new element, or combined with other things you've done. If you enjoy watching her masturbate, try adding a blindfold and telling her to touch herself. Or, make her touch herself as she watches herself in a mirror. Or make her describe how she feels out loud as she masturbates. If you enjoy having her give you oral sex, try tying her hands behind her back and then having her kneel in front of you. The possibilities for combining even simple, basic ideas in novel ways are endless; by doing this, you can keep things new and exciting all the time.Remember: You're doing this to have fun, to share yourself and your fantasies with your partner, to make your sexual lives more exciting and dynamic, and to increase your pleasure and your partner's pleasure. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Have fun! Experiment! Be creative! And above all, enjoy yourselves!Source: Franklin Veux - www.xeromag.com  Mon, 18 Jun 2007 21:06:36 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_15/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_15/ Bondage for Beginners, Part One: What You NeedI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, bondage is something everyone should experience.Too often, things like bondage or use of sex toys or whatever are all obscured by a perception that they’re made for people who REALLY are into sex as a lifestyle. Not so.But even if it were so, what’s so bad about enjoying sex as a larger part of your existence? Is it really so bad? There’s no admission cost, you don’t have to find parking, you don’t need to plan ahead. Sex as entertainment isn’t the worst ???ing thing you could be doing with your time, now, is it? Beats the ??? out of watching another Will & Grace rerun.People get bored with sex. “The Missionary? Again?” With good reason. Sex can get repetitive if it’s the same position, same approach, every time. You wouldn’t eat a hamburger every day, now, would you? (Unless you’re that boring ??? in the States who’s eaten 20,000+ Big Macs. Jesus Christ – don’t get me started. But lemme know when he finally visits an oncologist.)And this is why there are sex toys. This is why people try bondage, or public sex, or whatever. Now, you don’t have to get all gussied up like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction in order to enjoy bondage. So, what do you need? Well, let’s start first with what you DON’T need.You don’t need to own a copy of The Ashley Book of Knots.You don’t need to be nurturing a passion for the Japanese art of Shibari.You don’t need to own a closet full of leather or gear.You don’t need to have any special equipment at all.You don’t need to own rope.No rope? Gasp! Really?! Why, yes, Virginia, there is bondage without proper rope. How about neckties? Scarves? Nylons? Even that belt from your housecoat will do. It needs to be able to tie in a standard knot. That’s all you need.So, here’s the shortlist of your requirements.You need something that can restrain your lover.You need creativity.You need trust.You need inventiveness.You need a sense of adventure.You need to want to enjoy yourself.And five out of six things on that list ain’t gonna be bought at Paul’s House of Porn, all right?Here’s the deal. Bondage is about trusting your partner enough to let them tie you up and do what they like to you, or vice versa. It’s imperative you talk about what isn’t going to happen. Don’t like pain? Agree to not go there. It’s pretty simple. You can get all fancy and lifestyle-ish and pick a “stop” word (a word that, whenever you use it during anything experimental in sex, signals that’s going too far, and stopping has to happen) but I find the premise pretty silly for anything less than full-on BDSM experimentation involving serious pain.Me, I’m crazy, I favour the word “stop.” I mean, ???, like it’s that complicated? “Hello, stop that, please.” When your lover says to stop, I don’t care what you’re doing, STOP, whether it’s in standard sex, or when your lover’s slung from the roof in stirrups. The more often you stop what they don’t like, whenever they ask you to, the more they’ll trust you in the future. Makes sense, huh?Not respecting your partner’s boundaries in bondage means you’re breaking the number one rule. The belief in bondage/BDSM is that the person who’s all tied up is the one with all the power. Why? Because if they say stop, you absolutely must. According to anyone who’s played in the lifestyle, ignoring the submissive’s wishes is grounds for an ass-kicking.Now, if you’re all gung-ho to tie someone up, but don’t want to be tied up yourself, I don’t think you deserve to do the tying, and I don’t care about this “But I’m a top!” bull???. It is an act of trust. If you expect your lover to trust you, but you won’t trust them, then you might as well get a hammer, ‘cos that’s the first nail in your relationship’s coffin.When it comes to bondage, I prefer doing the tying up, but I’d never deny my lover the experience of returning the favour, because that’s what good relationships involve.Once you’ve had the talk and you’ve decided who’s being tied up first, it’s time to play. Personally, I prefer making an agreement to explore bondage in advance, because I think you need to be organized beforehand. There are, indeed, things you need in order to play with bondage Steff’s way.My shopping list tends to include:Chocolate syrupCaramel syrupStrawberriesNectarinesKiwisMangosPapayasApplesMassage oilLubeAnd whatever else gets you through the night, baby. No, you’re not making a fruit salad. You’re bringing food into the equation because a) they’re at your mercy and b) if you’re doing it right, they’ll be blindfolded for a while. The fruit is practical and sensual at the same time. When the bondage play begins, and they’re blindfolded, feeding them a mystery fruit will have to force them to turn their senses on. It’s a pleasure trigger. They’ll need to figure out what they’re eating, thus making them sensually more alert for when you begin playing. I’ll talk more about the food in the next posting.First off, let’s talk setting. Do you have a headboard you can bind your lover to? No? Then visit your local hardware store. Get standard-issue drawer pulls and screw them in strategic locations. You could even put them on the side of the bed and the bottom, if you want a variety of positions in the night. This scenario runs you about $10 to do four mounts, depending on the price you’re paying for the drawer pulls. It’s practical, cheap, and you can move them around if you’ve chosen bad spots. These pulls pictured here are exactly the ones I've used on my bed. Two for $3, and they have plenty of room for getting rope underneath, and allow for a little wiggle room for my submissive (aka Guy). The alternative is bondage bedwear, but it’s such a hassle and it’s expensive. If you’re settling in for a long night of play, it could be useful, but it also might intimidate the ??? out of the submissive.Ah, you’re not ready yet, grasshopper. Now you need toys. If you want to shell out the big bucks on sex toys when you don’t already have them, feel free, but your house is filled with a million things that can trigger some really, really happy feelings in your lover.Get creative. Go rummaging through your drawers. Make a stop in the kitchen. Find things you know will offer a variety of interesting sensations. Whether you’re lightly dragging the tines of a fresh-from-the-freezer ice-cold fork up in the inside of a lover’s leg, or teasing their privates with the bristles of a silicone pastry brush, you’ll be guaranteed some shivers.Let me revisit the silicone pastry brush. Run, do not walk, to your local kitchen supply aisle and buy yourself an extra silicon pastry brush for the bedroom. Fuck feathers – the pastry brush is one of the most erotic feelings I’ve found. I sent shivers up my guy with it the other week. Trust me. Go get one, kids.Buy a curtain tassel at the fabric store and tease your way around their body. Even a piece of paper being dragged up a naked body is amazing. Ice cubes rock, so make them in advance. Even one of those skin-scrubbing gloves for the shower can be pretty wild. It’s coarse, so it’s a change of pace from the soft and smooth things. Sandpaper. Anything works, provided you begin with light pressure and see what the reaction is.If you don’t trust your ability to judge how something might feel, then do your rummaging half-naked and any time you find something that piques your curiosity, then simply close your eyes and try it on your inner thigh. If it works, great. If not, put it back.If you plan on getting really sloppy with the syrup, and expect to have to clean your lover up a bit over course of time, you can grab a slow cooker or a rice cooker with a "keep warm" mode on it, put some water and some wash clothes in it, and keep it bedside for a clean, warm cloth to wipe them up with. Or you can save the filth and shower together later. Whatever, but there are options.Lastly, what you need is a carrying tray. It does no good to have a lover about to be blindfolded if they can see what you’re going to use on them. They should be bound and blindfolded before you gather all your goods to bring bedside.And that’s where we’ll stop for today. By the weekend I hope to post on how the actual act of bondage itself should unfold in its most basic terms, but you clearly have a couple ideas, I’m sure, of where this is headed. Any questions so far? Any tips on household products that have brought you bondage glee in the past?Source: cuntinglinguist.com  Thu, 21 Jun 2007 06:06:00 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_16/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_16/ Bondage for Beginners: Part Two, Basic GuidelinesBondage can become part of your life for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, it’s a way for folks to deal with the anxiety of their lives; symbolically giving control to another, or taking control. Sometimes, it’s for less honourable reasons. Sometimes, it’s just another fun game to play.Whatever the reasons, however pure or otherwise, trust – having it, taking it, sharing it, abusing it – is the core experience of bondage. I touched on this last time ‘round. Have the right intentions, and this can be an incredible relationship-building experience.In my fun little world of bondage, the tease is never separated from satisfaction. For me, tying a lover up is not only my opportunity to tease and taunt him, but also a chance to take him to orgasm as slowly and deliberately as I’m able, and make no mistake about it, an orgasm will be had.As much as we’d like to think we’re all grown-up and it’s easy to give and take orgasms, the reality is, most of us are a little too conscious about whether or not we’re getting not only our partners but ourselves a ticket to the promised land. We overthink it, and we often overplay it.During bondage my style, it’s a little more honest and straightforward: You will come if it’s the last thing I do – that is my job, my mission, for the next hour or more, my raison d’etre.This is one of those instances where people want me to lay out step-by-step instructions, but that’s taking it too far. Bondage is about you being creative, using your lover’s body as a canvas or even as a test subject. “I wonder what happens if I drag an ice cube up the inside of his leg.” If you can think it, try it, and see what happens. Any time it doesn't work, just go back to something you know you will. It's not the end of the world. Try, try again.So let me, instead, give you a few guidelines, not rules, all right?I know there's a contingent who finds the hows and whys of fancy knot-tying really erotic, but there are those of us who just can't give a ???, too. I'm no sailor. I can't do a grapevine knot or anything like that. I can tie my shoes, though, so bind a lover I can do. I make up for it in details.Music can be an added bonus, or a negative, depending on your POV. If the submissive’s lying there all bound and blindfolded, sound is one of their major clues as to what’s going on. I have hardwood floor in my bedroom and it creaks and groans. I tend to put some music on to cover the sound a little, so he’s not as aware of what the next move is.Lighting doesn’t really matter, if they can’t see, but the question is, how are you feeling? The sexier you feel, the better you’ll play. If candles make you feel more comfortable, then do that. Whatever makes you feel good, baby.When bringing food into the equation, make sure everything is chopped bite-size. Put ‘em in bowls. Do you need to have all your supplies when you’re starting? Not really, you can leave them bound and wander out to find additional things later, but it might be considered cruel. I prefer to be organized at the start, so he’s not abandoned for more than a moment or two throughout.Misleading them is fun. I'll drag a finger up his chest, trace it over his lips, and when he thinks he can suck on it, pop a little cherry in his mouth or something else, like a tongue. Play, play, play.If you can, pull your bed out from the wall. I can, and I do. Having 360-degree access means I can do more to him, and that I have more ability to move around.Crawling over them on the bed’s pretty much a suspense killer. What’s the point, then? Get off the bed and walk around. Try to minimize how often you lean onto the bed, because, again, they can feel the weight shifting, thus negating the surprise advantage.When you’re making your way up their body, be it with kisses or with drizzled syrup, going in a straight line doesn’t work as effectively as zig-zagging will. Why not? Because nerves like surprises, and if you’re working in a straight line, the body knows what’s coming next. This is always, always about surprising the senses.Multi-tasking is hot. If you’re standing and you lean down to suck and bite a nipple, then use a hand to tease their inner thigh and the other hand to toy with an ear lobe or something. Remember, they can’t see what’s coming. Every touch, every action, they all get you a new reaction. It can be tricky, when you're the doer, but as the receiver, it's just an incredible mix of feelings.Always, always, always mix approaches. Bondage without oral should simply be considered wrong. Bondage with straight-through-to-orgasm oral should also be considered wrong, in my world. I think it should be intermittent, incessant teases. Oral, then kiss and suck and bite all over them, then return again to oral play. Interrupt it with more props and toys. Toy with them manually. Change gears as often as you’re able. When the frustrated groans get louder and more pained, start planning your route to orgasm -- by oral? By ???ing them? By manual stimulation? Using sex toys? You're writing the playbook, you decide. If you like, ask what they want. I never bother, though. I'm in control, I'm deciding.Talk to them as you play. Tease them with little suggestive comments, or investigate how they’re enjoying things. Take requests, if you do such things. Most of all, be sure they know you’re having fun. Tell them it’s getting you hot, all this satisfactioning of them. Remember that the only senses they really have fully functioning are hearing, smell, and touch. Now and then you’ll indulge taste, too. Hearing, though, is a great way of keeping them focused on everything. Don’t talk incessantly; shut up and do your job sometimes.Devour your lover. Cover every inch of their body with your hands, mouth, and any other body part you can think of. Every place you touch and claim as yours is one less area they’ll be self-conscious about – and when you’re tied up in bondage, feeling self-conscious isn’t a big stretch. Try to negate it by doting and outwardly desiring them.This is your chance to really take notice of what your lover does when you touch them in different ways, different places. It’s an opportunity to learn and develop new insight. The question is, will you use it as such? I always do.I may think of more in regards to bondage, from a beginner’s point of view, but really, it’s not brain surgery. Just try to keep the suspense at a maximum, remember that it’s all about the submissive, and try to take them to the edge as often as you can before you finally give the gift of what’s bound to be a pretty incredible orgasm. Source: cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com  Sat, 23 Jun 2007 07:06:56 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_17/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_17/ The male nipples - generally speaking - are much smaller than the female ones. However, do not underestimate their erotic capabilities, just because they are smaller. Many men do not even realize the capabilities of their own nipples and to many men incorporating them in your erotic power exchange play will be a sensational discovery. Except for tying them, everything you, as a woman, can do with your own nipples - in the erotica sense of course - you can do with the male nipples as well and in general that will produce the same erotic sensation and effect. However, especially when it comes to erotic power exchange, you need to know a couple of technical tips and tricks to be real successful, when it comes to nipple play. Nipple clamps Since the male nipple usually is smaller, not every clamp that works for women will produce the same effect for men. Not only are the nipples smaller, the male nipple will also become more slippery as a result of sweating, meaning that clamps are less likely to stay in place. They will slip off slowly. That is very painful, which can be fun if your sub can handle that but usually is experienced as anything BUT fun. For this reason, when buying clamps turn to smaller, metal ones. Specialized BDSM-shops will sell clamps with small "teeth" inside. These look more intimidating than they really are, but they are helpful to keep the clamp in place. Often all other commercially available clamps will simply not hold and you need to turn to other - usually home made - solutions. Here is one, based on simple adjusted clothespins. Removing parts of the sides of the clamping area using a rasp or sandpaper leads to the creation of "pinpoint pins" . These provide two benefits, the same clamping pressure will be applied over a smaller area (hence increasing the sensation), they will fit on the male nipple and double the number of clothespin tips may fitted to the same bit of anatomy (other then the nipple). Remember to round the edges slightly with sandpaper to avoid splinters or other inadvertent injury. Your nails, fingers and teeth - Especially as a FemDom you carry your most important toy box around every day: your nails, fingers and teeth. They are especially effective when it comes to nipple play. A constant tease - alternating massage, squeezing, pinching, biting and pulling the nipples - especially if your sub is blindfolded, will drive crazy and usually far beyond his limits. Such nipple play in general will make a great entree to other, more severe things but also can be a play form on its own. Article Courtesy of The Powerotics Foundation  Sun, 24 Jun 2007 14:06:56 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_18/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_18/ Why Give a Fig? by Kris KennedyTo have a good session in figging, you'll need to start with the active juices of the ginger root. If you've tasted ginger, that is, a slice of peeled, fresh ginger straight from the market, you'll know that it burns. Now, transfer that burn to more sensitive openings of your body, and you have the concept of figging. Surprisingly, however, many people adore figging -- they like that burning sensation; they like the affect it has on their erotic experience. In a roundabout process, it can make an orgasm last longer and feel stronger -- not to mention hotter. The original sense of figging came, most people think, from an equestrian practice of placing a piece of ginger in the horse's anus before ceremonies or parades. Apparently parades are much ado about a horse's ass. The effect of the ginger in the horse's ass is that the horse keeps his tail up in that nice high curl of the well-dressed steed. The word to feague, for you etymologists, goes back to the German word for "sweep" (as in "to sweep something away") which arrived at the idea of "drive" (as in "to drive something forward"). Since a horse is driven by a whip, the word "feague" soon came to mean (sadists, tune in) "to whip or to beat." But the word retained the meaning of spurring someone on (or a horse in this case). So figging's ancestor has had a long and colorful set of applications as "feague" and "feaguing." And then figging came along, probably through the horse and showmanship connection. While spurring your horse to do his moves, you could also spur him to hold his blue-ribbon form indefinitely -- or at least until the potency of the ginger wore out -- about 20 minutes to half an hour. The rule was, fig your horse and his tail will stand properly. In fact, at various times and places, horsemen and showmen and soldiers alike have been penalized because their horse wasn't figged. The riding crop being allied to the ginger in ensuring your horse made a good showing, it was only a matter of time before we clever humans devised a way to put punishment and figging together for ourselves. We are told that schools in Victorian England, notorious for their harsh corporal punishment, caught on to the idea of figging humans. A stick of ginger and a few good cracks on the behind -- a great way to help wayward students experience an adjustment of the mind. Yes, ginger root in the butt smarts. What does all this have to do with good sex? Well, some people swear by it. The burn of the ginger overloads the senses. Also there's the added feature that clenching the buttocks, such as a person might do to speed up their orgasm or during orgasm, causes the burning sensation to increase. So buttocks filled with ginger will tend to stay more relaxed. Relaxation puts off orgasm and prolongs foreplay. After a while (again, 10 minutes to half an hour or more, depending on the person), the burn of the ginger lessens and something more soothing sets in. This feeling, too, is going to vary from person to person. Some say it's a tingly warmth that spreads through the anal canal. Many report emotional changes in this aftermath of the ginger burn: feelings of well-being, of dreaminess, of warmth, of horniness. At this point, you're ready for love. You've got two things working together for you to make that heavy O, the first is that you put off your orgasm and gone for the big build-up -- this always contributes to the orgasmic geyser. The second thing is this mood, these warm sensations or at the very least, the release of tension in your butt muscles after the onslaught of the ginger. And what many people report, as a result is a big bursting, warm and tingly orgasm unlike any other. So figging is something for the sex adventurer to try. If you like your lovemaking soft and hot-tubbish, this might not be at all for you. But if you're in the mood for thrashing sex, then figging could be the ticket. How do you get your ginger? Go to the produce section of your market and find what they call a "hand" of ginger. Ginger is a root, after all, and so it looks like a stubby root with a bunch of fat tubers growing off it (called "fingers"). Cut off one of these fingers, peel it until you can see the slick covering of juice on the finger's pulp. It seems that a 4-inch or longer finger does the trick. You may have seen the way a butt plug flanges at the end. This is so the plug doesn't slip up into the asshole and get lost. You might want to replicate this shape with your ginger butt plug. Most expert figgers carve a sort of ring into the ginger finger (after the 4-inch mark -- save those 4 inches for the inside of the ass in question). What you're going for is to create a groove that the sphincter muscle can grab onto. The sphincter naturally closes in on this ring, so the ginger won't slip into the anal canal.Of course, if it does get lost there, not to worry. It will usually work its way down and hang out with yesterday's dinner, and you can force it out by bearing down; or wait, and it should come out with your next dump. Are there any other dangers to this odd-sounding practice? The worst problem that might come up is an allergic reaction to ginger. To avoid this, try ginger on other sensitive areas of your body before inserting it in your private holes. Under the armpit is probably the most sensitive and least committal place to use. Otherwise -- besides the obvious burn -- ginger is a fairly harmless, all-natural kind of butt toy. If you try it, you can experiment with depth (how deep it is!), with the amount of time you leave it in, with reinsertion and prolonging the burn. Though the effect of the ginger has a cycle which ends with the ginger losing its bite, you can revive that bite simply by removing the ginger and running it under water. This not only freshens the burning ginger juices, it actually seems to make the ginger stronger than it was the first time around. So if you enjoyed that and don't quite feel you've reached your sensational limit, go for round two. Likewise if you are unsure about your tolerance for the burn and you want to start out with much less potent ginger, you can leave the ginger lying out for a week or more after you buy it. This will weaken its potency. Since every asshole has a different temperament, and everyone's internal chemistry reacts differently, go slowly, act cautiously, and then try all the variations you can think of.On the receiving end, try clenching and unclenching buttocks; have your partner masturbate you or give you head or ??? you while the ginger is in place. Play with the nasty sensations and have a figging good time.All this makes for some mild, erotic BDSM play. But dom/mes can ramp up the intensity for their subs by adding a touch of the old school (Victorian school, that is). Over time, the Victorians were able to work out a fine blend of punishments by mixing figging and caning. The softer version of this is figging and spanking or paddling. Adding corporal punishment on the buttocks to figging takes advantage of your ass's conflict of interests when its owner is being beaten while holding a piece of ginger up their butt. The beating makes the person want to flex and squeeze those cheeks, minimizing the pain of the beating. But the ginger makes them want to release all tension from their butt muscles so as to loosen the asshole's grip around the ginger and minimize the ginger's burn. Clench and burn or release and sting...decisions, decisions. A sub undergoing figging and paddling has this delightful quandary to deal with, plus the dual sensations of burn and sting, internal and external sensations. It's quite divine. The ginger runs its course after awhile and the warm afterglow helps the sub to enjoy the beating even more. Many report that male subs are more compliant after the ginger has run its course inside them. Women claim it makes them horny. So when you play with ginger, be on the look-out for the ginger aftermath. Watch to see what form it takes in your subbieEven if a dom/me doesn't want to spank while figging, there's a great trick they can try: squeeze their sub's ass cheeks together. This will increase the burning sensations. Also place the ginger deeper. Or when the sub thinks they've had just about enough, refresh the ginger with water, and reinsert it. Let this turbo-burn work on them until they beg for mercy or at least lick your boots.For especially bad subs, there are other places you can place the ginger. For guys, the urethra is a nasty burn tube. You'll need to cut a thin sliver for that treatment -- then watch him squirm. For women, the vagina, especially around the opening where the nerves are, works nicely. And if you're wicked or you and your partner like it rough and tough, try ginger DP, that's double penetration. Add some sexual stimulation to the DP and you may have masochistic bliss. With this basic ginger primer, you and your partner are ready to experiment yourselves. Play with the nasty sensations and have a figging good time. Source: alt.com Mon, 2 Jul 2007 20:07:57 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_28/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_28/ I want to hear what your thoughts are about having children and living the lifestyle. How do you incorporate? Mon, 19 May 2008 22:05:44 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_19/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_19/ While I consider myself a truly dominant female I find a fascination with the moment at which a woman/young lady looses her virginity.  While it would be extremely rare to have such an opportunity to be in the midst of this act in real time, it does make for interesting fantasies.  I wonder how many other women, submissive or dominant, think/fantasize about virginity?  You hear over and over about that r*ape fantasy...yeah ok but what about defloration?   Ahhh now there is a wonderful word.  defloration.  From the dictionary The act of deflowering.Rupture of the hymen, typically in sexual intercourse.and the version that was most interesting     1.  an act that despoils the innocence or beauty of something    2.  the act of depriving a woman of her virginity (especially by rupturing the hymen through sexual intercourse.   Now my fascination has nothing to do with a woman being young.  I am not into the idea of someone being underage or young.  In fact to the contrary.  I am more into the fantasy of my own experience, how it might have been different.  Or I am into the surprise aspect.  The similar surprise, oh my gawd, ok maybe that feels good afterall....feeling is that of bdsm.  First times...the first time someone flogs you....the first time your breasts are "man handled" errm or "domme massaged".   That fear/pleasure combination that is so integral to bdsm and exploring.  Submissives often crave the fear...dominants often get great pleasure in providing the fear. So am I alone in exploring this 10 seconds of a lifetime?    Wed, 12 Sep 2007 11:09:04 -0400 http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_20/ http://wastelandnetwork.com/index.php?do=/public/rss/link_forum/id_20/ Of comparison only to the male testicle in my opinion. I can think nothing better then to play with titties.  I like them big, small, pointy, sensitive as heck and those brave titties that can take anything dished out to them. I can tell right off what the owner of those titties feels about offering them up to me.  I know by her posture.  Every dominant knows what a four point spread submissive is thinking by her posture.   A feather, a flogger, pins or needles.  The pain message a breast can send to the mind is staggering.  A pain slut can have vibes flowing from simply putting clothes pins on her nipples.  She need only embrace that pain.  From there on out she is ready for extremes.  I will admit to breast play.  While I am not interested in being a switch I do believe in knowing what every bit of play feels like before being allowed to do it on another.  (my trusted dom friend gets a kick out of my calls). Ok so here is my fun real story...I have a non bdsm couple friends of mine.  They invited me to a barbecue this past summer.  It was a cool evening in the beginning of June.  After a great few hours it was turning dark out and it was cooling off.  The alternatives were some sort of bonfire or a dip in the hot tub.  Hot tub it was, even though I suggested naked because I did not have a suit.  Seems they were up for this.These friends know about my bdsm "interests" as they put it.  Spending time alone with them always gets them in the mood to ask me about it.  Many times I have talked to them about tiny aspects of the 'style and it seems their continued interest had them asking yet another question.She:  Am I a submissive if I always fantasize about him really squeezing and pinching my breasts?He:  Yes I could never do that to her, to hurt her, why does she want me to do this, I dont understand? What ever possessed me to cross that line, I decided that it was better to show then to try to answer.  I moved closer to her and slowly slid my hands over her wet breasts making motion for her to get her butt up on the edge of the hot tub so that she was the total show.  My motion for this was to grab each nipple very firmly and pull up whispering to her.She immediately did as I told without question...ahuh I think...that ahuh moment when I realize what I have in my hands..He says nothing...eyes intent...She sits before me with legs tightly close and hands by her butt on the edge of the hot tub.  This  position thrusts her breasts forward, shoulders back.  She even turns her head slightly to the side.Could she surrender her breasts any more then in this position?He says nothing...I start to work my hands on her still wet breasts.  First a massage, then some pinches, working my way up to more.  I wait till they are dry and slap her breasts a few times.  Her moans are giving her away.  Still in the same position, shoulders back breasts proudly presented.I hear him breathing behind me, I have yet to look at his face.  I want to let him experience this.I find myself biting her breasts, pulling them in unusual positions and watching as her legs start to open, as yet another offering.She obviously finds this sexually exciting.  Now I must look at him.  He has stood, his IS an erection.  He wants me to let him take over and I am ok with this.  Not my thing to just get another woman off.  My thing is really about the experience or the pain.I present her to him, she doesnt move, doesnt look at him just stays there.  He comes over to her fast and he is in a state.  I suspect but no one confirms that he was much more aggressive with her then usual.  He did seem to understand that she was getting off on the breast pain, that she would like the man handling.  Seemed to me to be an incredible ??? for them.  Maybe it helped that I was there.  Maybe I just sent this couple off in a new exploration of their desires....  Wed, 12 Sep 2007 11:09:51 -0400